Healing came to me slowly. I felt anger at others and angry at the system.

I couldn’t believe how I had been disregarded and pushed around. I felt cheated and robbed. I felt cut open and could not stop the images of my first son’s cesarean birth from flooding my mind. I felt conflicted for concentrating more upon what had happened to me than the fact that I had a new baby. People told me in philosophical tones that, “it was meant to be.” A type of destiny that could not be avoided. Sometimes I believed this myself. Now I never do.

 

My healing came as I did three things.  I took responsibility for what had happened. Surgeons  and Midwives determined that I should have a C/S against my wishes and now I see that at some level I too believed this.  

The second thing that I did was to forgive myself. I did the best I could at the time with the information that I had. This is the art of graceful parenting and it starts with birth. I forgave myself for letting others determine my fate and I forgave those who refused to hear my voice.

Lastly, I did not suffer in vain. A second breech baby gave me the perfect opportunity to strengthen my resolve and see that I had indeed grown.

I had learned to stand up for myself and my children. I can make informed decisions for myself and family. I will follow my instincts regardless of what the “system” advises.

 

Does my heart never ache? Of course it does. Healing comes slowly and there are constant reminders of what happened to me. Slowly but surely it fades as I become stronger and stronger. When I gave birth I was a maiden and now I am mother.