RyAN
Beautiful. There’s no other way to describe it. Words fail me when I try to capture this journey any other way. I suspect that I will never stop reflecting upon and benefiting from the road I took to birthing my son.
Despite three external versions (one of which was successful), moxabustion, Webster Chiropractic care, ice packs, music, breech tilts, hypnosis etc, my little boy was breech when labor began at approximately 39 weeks.
My previous births were cesareans for transverse and breech, so, even before this pregnancy began, I had researched breech—ways to turn babies, as well as the safety of breech vaginal birth and the option of home birth. Given the fact that the research shows nearly equal outcomes for breech babies born by c/s and those born vaginally, and also shows that a vbac is safer for the mother, ultimately, I decided that I would proceed with a vaginal birth at home even if my baby was breech. It was a long process coming to that decision. I agonized, and soul-searched on top of researching the “facts”. Surprisingly, once labor hit, my fears were not much of an obstacle.
I never felt like I had given birth to either of my children and absolutely hated the surgeries. Being tied down, and paralyzed from the spinal were absolutely terrifying to me and triggered the feelings of helplessness I had felt when I had been sexually abused as a child. Moreover, even after my second child was born, though overjoyed to have my son and daughter, I was devastated to not have achieved what I considered to be a rite of passage for women. I had always pictured myself giving birth naturally, medication-free to my children. So many women take that opportunity for granted.
My husband, though wanting me to have the chance to fulfill my dream, was not interested in having more kids. He also admitted to being somewhat fearful of my propensity for falling in the minority risk-wise, so when he got lazy with birth control, and we got pregnant, I was ecstatic!
I have a uterine division, called a septum, which is known to contribute to many pregnancy losses, so Immediately upon finding out I was pregnant, I began trying to connect with the baby and help (him) find a great spot to implant.
The comfort with and skill level of attending breech vaginal births were one of the first questions I asked prospective midwives. I was blessed to find a midwife who is a former ICAN leader, with over 20 years experience and comfortable and experienced with breech vaginal deliveries. I also had another midwife, her partner, in attendance. The four of us (they along with my husband, Andy, and I), had agreed to proceed with a breech home birth as long as I continued to show progress and the baby was doing well as assessed by FHTs. This was based on the belief that when labor in a breech birth is not progressing, it is indicative of a problem that would necessitate a cesarean.
On Saturday, March 11, 2006, I began feeling heavy abdominal and cervical sensations. I also had the distinct feeling that my water could break at any moment. I decided that we had better get to the store to get what we needed for the birth (nothing like waiting until the last moment, but I had been so focused on the mental preparation, I nearly forgot the concrete, tangible pieces!).
Thankfully, we also went to bed on the early side (for us) on the 11th as I woke up early Sunday morning (1 a.m.) lying in a puddle of amniotic fluid and vernix. I continued leaking amniotic fluid and mucous throughout early labor, which was a nuisance for which I hadn’t been prepared.
I called the midwife and then tried to rest. Contractions began at about 2 a.m. and were about 6-8 minutes apart and very manageable. Though excited, I knew rest would be very important, so I popped in “When Harry Met Sally” (a favorite I had been meaning to watch for some time) and dozed off between contractions.
Contractions began to pick up around 9 a.m.—they were consistently 3 minutes apart and starting to get my attention, though still quite manageable. S, one of the midwives, came and checked me, and forgot we had agreed for me not to know how dilated I was (I was 3 cm). She left to do a postpartum visit with another client. We were thinking, “hurry, back” (little did we know it would be more than a day before our son joined us).
Andy and my son Joshua (what a talented 5 year old) had finished setting up the birth tub. We called my friend to come with her daughter to help entertain our kids, as the contractions seemed to be getting more intense. I got into the birth tub, but didn’t stay long, as I wasn’t comfortable. Turns out that the tub was better for entertaining our kids than it was for me!
I was absolutely giddy at the beginning stage of labor. I welcomed the privilege of laboring and birthing and for once was free of my obsession of time or fear of what “should” be happening. I let my body work! And it did, slower than I wanted it to, at times, but oh it did! One of my midwives, J, commented later, that even at the end, I seemed to be appreciating labor.
At this point, having the kids around was a welcome distraction, and I was still able to be amongst everyone and manage the contractions (still 3 minutes apart). The worst part was actually shoulder and upper back pain that may have been from tensing up during contractions. By late afternoon, early evening, I began feeling the need to pace/circle my house during contractions (had been managing them sitting up, just pausing during my conversation). I also felt the need to carry a pan around as I was very nauseous and thought I might vomit, though I never did.
I started getting frustrated when the kids and/or their toys would get in my way while circling/pacing and was ready for everyone to leave (unfortunately, we were still a couple of hours from bedtime). So, Andy and I went upstairs to lie down and listen to the CD I had made of music that inspired/relaxed me. I treasure these moments. It was a wonderful time to connect with the man who has supported me all of these years and given me the gift of (now) three wonderful children.
The midwives checked me shortly thereafter and I was “on the edge of transition” (later they told me I was 6.5 cms and completely effaced). So, I was making progress, just a lot slower than we all thought would be the case. I hopped in the shower, and that helped immensely.
Despite the nausea, I forced myself to eat, as I was worried I would run out of energy to push. I have always been one who did not function well on less than ideal amounts of sleep (and yet I have three kids, so I am getting good training), so I didn’t want any other factors depleting my energy.
At several points during labor, I started shaking. The midwives said that this was likely the baby moving through my pelvis. I had to resist the thought that this was indicative of Transition. At this point, I decided to listen to the Hypno-birthing Affirmations Tape. This was very reassuring.
I was still feeling somewhat discouraged by the length of labor, though, so my wonderful husband, pulled me into our office, sat me in a recliner and began reading my Blessingway emails from my ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) friends. It was just what I needed, to be reminded of all the love and strength supporting me from all over the world.
We stayed in that room to labor, as I was as comfortable as one can be “on the edge of transition”. We both dozed on and off as my contractions and noticeable moaning allowed. The midwives told me later, that my contractions spaced back out to 6-8 minutes apart during the night, allowing me to get some much needed rest.
My daughter, Serena, called for Daddy at 1 am. Andy went upstairs and fell asleep, so I was left to labor alone. After awhile, remembering that the midwives had expected a relatively short labor, I began to get discouraged that it was already over 24 hours.
I decided I would feel better being near the midwives, so I went into the Family Room, where they were sleeping, to labor there. They must be used to sleeping with noisy women in labor, because they didn’t wake up and I thought I was pretty loud! They continued to check on me hourly, which at least gave some comfort. My son’s heart rate was consistently in the 130s, like the ECVs, he seemed to have no problem dealing with labor. This was of course, very reassuring.
After the kids got up and out of the house, the midwives suggested I get in the pool, but I wanted none of it. I got into the shower instead. Aiming the warm water on my belly really helped the contractions be more manageable. When Andy came back, he accompanied me on my laps around the house, which was so nice.
I had watched a video called “Birth Day”, a documentary of a Mexican midwife’s homebirth, and she had noted that when she was walking away from her husband, the contractions only felt like pain, but when she was walking toward him, she was reminded of their love for each other. I mentioned this to Andy, and he promptly began walking with me, as our doorways would allow. Walking up and down the stairs also served to help the baby drop down.
I tried the exercise ball, even though, previously, it hadn’t been comfortable no matter what position I tried., and while there, asked the midwives how I would know when to push. I was very discouraged that I wasn’t feeling the urge, even though, earlier, the midwives had implied I was completely dilated. It was especially nerve-wracking because I know how important it is to push a breech baby out quickly. Interestingly enough, although it was always a concern of mine in pregnancy, the thought of Uterine Rupture only occurred to me in passing when I would feel some twinges of adhesion pain. But, from the research I had done, I knew that’s what it was, because they were minor, associated with movement and would pass.
We went upstairs at 12 pm. I was still not feeling the urge to push, only occasional sharp, cervical pains that J suggested was him kicking my cervix. The midwives checked me and told me that I could try “practice pushing” if I wanted to. While I did, J pushed on my son externally to help get him more centered, as he had again drifted to an almost diagonal position. I tried various positions, hands and knees, birth stool, semi-sitting, etc. and nothing was comfortable.
Pushing was a great fear of mine, because I have always had trouble communicating to my body what I want it to do, and again, I knew it was of the utmost importance to push the breech baby out quickly. Intellectually, I know that I am a large-framed person and I doubted that head entrapment would really be an issue, but it still worried me some.
At one point, my midwife, S said, “you aren’t going to get the baby out pushing that way” (taking breaks during pushing). She didn’t mean for it to, but this really played into my fears of not being able to push correctly. At this point, my wonderful husband said to me “think about the email you will get to compose to ICAN; start writing it in your head”. He knew just what to say to give me hope! I told them I was worried and getting frustrated, so they suggested I shower and then rest with Andy.
The contractions were much stronger at this point, and the shower didn’t even take the edge off. I got out, and tried some more pushing while S “held my uterus out of the way”. I reportedly have a septate (divided) uterus. Very interesting, but in terms of my birth, it was necessary to actually hold some of my “huge” uterus out of the way, so that he could descend below it and into the birth canal. Despite these lengthy vaginal exams, my fear that previous sexual abuse triggers would be an issue was not realized.
I was still very frustrated with pushing and not feeling the urge, so S and J suggested that Andy and I again lay down together to rest. Later, S told me that I always progressed when Andy and I spent time lying together. I thought this a wonderful testament to our relationship.
The contractions were hard to handle lying down, but I was somehow able to doze between them. After only a few minutes, I had a monster contraction and literally jumped out of bed. When this would happen, I always headed straight for the bathroom, where I would usually have contractions one on top of the other. I heard S say to Andy in her mother tone “I thought she was resting”. Both midwives were downstairs at this point. I asked him to ask her if I should push if I felt like it (and I did) and they said “sure”. I reached down and felt into my vagina and felt something. Andy went and got the mirror and flashlight and sure enough, his foot was emerging!
I could see the wrinkles on the sole of his feet—so exciting! I began grunting and involuntarily pushing at this point and suddenly heard the midwives rush up the stairs. The sound of their feet stomping up those stairs is one I will never forget! It was really getting exciting! I was going to do this!
The midwives, figuring I didn’t want to have him on the toilet, quickly set up the birth stool and moved me from the toilet to it. By the time I stood up to move, his foot was hanging down. Just a few pushes (and about 7 minutes) later, and our little Ryan joined our family! It was absolutely amazing!!!!!!!! I had been worried my body wouldn’t know how to push, but it knew exactly what to do!!!!
As soon as he was out, I began bleeding quite heavily, and the midwives very calmly moved me to the floor. They kept asking me if I was there with them, and I was getting annoyed, and told them of course I was. Later they told me that I had lost all the blood I was “allowed” to lose and they were worried I would lose consciousness. I was just elated with my baby, our birth and my body and annoyed to be lying on the uncomfortable hardwood floor!
The bleeding slowed down and our babymoon could now officially begin! I remember noticing with great delight that evening that I had a baby in my arms and no painful incision across my belly! Oh, the joy! And, I had remarked to Andy that “I wish I had done this (breech vaginal birth) with Josh and Serena too”, but then quickly realized that their births had to happen in order for Ryan’s to happen the way it did. I never would have considered researching breech vaginal delivery and home birth if I hadn’t experienced the emotional and physical pain of the cesareans (and found ICAN; can’t get enough plugs in for them!).
It is amazing to me how far-reaching the impact of this beautiful birth has been. I truly feel like a different person; more at peace than I was before. I look at life with a lot more joy. And, I feel much more “whole” as a mom. I think a part of me didn’t feel right even giving myself that title before, since I hadn’t really given birth to them. I was going through the motions. Sad, but true.
Christie
VBAC Breech Home Birth of Ryan
