Joy
27 weeks
During my midwife prenatal appointment today she suspected baby is transverse. Hmmm. I know it is not uncommon, since I’m only 27 weeks, but should I start thinking about turning baby? I will look into it.
29 weeks
I’m pretty sure baby is still transverse (haven’t had another palpation yet) and I am becoming intensely aware of the fact that my baby is not head down. It’s all I think about, and I realize that I am obsessing over this but I can’t help it. I’m determined to have the birth I’ve been dreaming about for years… a lovely homebirth with my husband, midwife, doula and maybe my mom too. From my doula training I know what a breech baby will mean. I can’t even say it out loud, and my midwife didn’t even talk about it at our last visit. It’s the hush hush word. My worst nightmare.
I’ve been knitting a blanket for my baby and have started a mantra that takes 4 stitches. It goes like this … head down, feet up, trust, trust. I am trying to trust the universe, god, the goddess, all the forces of nature that determine who and what we are. I talk about trusting but sometimes can’t feel it. There is too much fear in me. Fear of the hospital and being forced to undergo surgery. It won’t happen, no way.
31 weeks
Another midwife appointment today, baby still transverse. We talked about gentle ways that I can encourage baby to turn. Gentle ways???? I don’t think there’s anything gentle about this. I am stressed and still it is early. There is lots of time for baby to turn. I wait.
32 weeks
I’ve been swimming, trying to teach baby to do somersaults. It was kinda fun, though I wonder if all the people at the pool know what I’m doing. I’m taking homeopathics. I am lying head down on an incline board a couple times a day and try to relax and meditate about baby turning. I see a chiropractor several times a week. I do yoga every day. What else? Next week I try moxabustion (acupuncture) on my little toe.
35 weeks
Another disappointing palpitation by my midwife. Baby is still transverse and we suspect the feet are down. That’s not good. If I’m going to have a breech baby can’t it be frank breech????
We talked about my options, I cried. I will not schedule a c-section. Not ever. I am lucky, my midwife has experience catching breech babies, but she is concerned if baby is not frank breech. I told her that I want to try a vaginal delivery. She was not too excited. I told her that if she will not help me I will labour at home, unassisted. We need to try and turn this baby with an ECV.
36 weeks
Midwives came to my home for an ECV. Unsuccessful.
37 weeks
Discussions continue about attempting a vaginal delivery of my footling breech baby. My midwife will not help me at home due to the higher risks of this presentation. Problem is, the hospital will not allow her to help me. Or so they advertise. Apparently I need to meet with an OB and write a letter that explains I am informed of the risks of the vaginal delivery (and I’ll be adding the risks of a cesarean section in case they need to be reminded!!!!). Then they will let me labour and birth at the hospital. Lucky me.
37.5 weeks
I wrote the letter and met with the OB. It felt so good to be strong in my belief of birth. I trust that my body will labour and birth as it needs to. I must fulfill my body’s wishes. That cannot be a c-section.
39 weeks
We try another ECV at the hospital, with an OB and an ultrasound. It works. I am elated.
39.5 weeks
I have spent the last few days completely paranoid that baby will turn breech again. It is really hard to relax, I am still pumped with fear. I am planning a home birth and I have nothing prepared! Where are my thoughts????
Joy was born a couple days after my last entry. She was not born at home because my cervix was not dilating. Labour started out fast and did not let up. I am disappointed that we moved to the hospital for the birth. It is hard to “just be happy” we have a healthy baby that was not born by c-section. I am confused. Why wasn’t I prepared for this labour? There is some deep soul searching (cervix searching?) I need to do eventually, to understand my body. I suspect self-confidance and self-trust are big for me. The fear of breech baby shot me down. But perhaps there is more.
Excerpts from my pregnancy log:
The Birth of Joy
